Anyone who knows Leslie Shafer would speak of her bubbly and joyful personality, her calm and welcoming presence, and her gift of cooking. Many families at Pleasant Valley have been blessed by Leslie’s kitchen masterpieces over the years. But, there was once a time, not so long ago, that she wasn’t the Leslie all of her friends and family knew and loved.
“Sweet and bubbly Leslie, that’s me – and that’s the me I had to find again.”
Leslie nods her head, a soft smile filling her face and reaching her eyes. Her coffee cup is filled to the brim with whipped cream and a caramel drizzle on top, and she takes a sip before sharing how she met Jesus and the transformation that has come later in life.
Growing up, Leslie’s family didn’t attend church very often, and it was through the invitation of friends to go to church camp that she first met Jesus when she was a young teenager. However, it wasn’t until she was in her late twenties when she started attending Pleasant Valley that she began understanding who God is and that a relationship with Him isn’t just “fire insurance.”
While much of the transformation has been progressive over the last two decades, the biggest turning point came for Leslie about three years ago.
“It has been in the last three years that I really feel completely alive in Christ. I wasn’t letting myself completely enjoy all that God had for me. There were times I didn’t want to be at church. I was such a negative thing at times.”
You see, it was about three years ago when Leslie finally reached the end of her rope and began seeking help for life-long struggles she’d faced.
“Leading up to three years ago, I felt like I was barely surviving. I was having nightmares. I’ve always had them, but they were very intense so I really wouldn’t get any rest; I would wake up in a panic. I’d go to bed at night and my head would pound and I could hear it pounding in my ears from anxiety. I didn’t want to fall asleep because I didn’t know what kind of nightmare I would have. I had constant pressure in my head- it felt like someone was squeezing my head all the time. My thought process was mostly negative. People had no idea because I could hide it very well. I was genuinely not taking care of myself. I wasn’t putting myself first ever. I wasn’t taking time alone and not saying ‘no’ when people would ask me to do things for them. I’m a pleaser and needed affirmation from people, so if I kept saying ‘yes’, then I would keep getting affirmation. Some things had been 25 years in the making.”
Leslie had postpartum depression after each of her babies and has struggled with anxiety for her entire life, but had always managed to pull through. This final breaking point came mainly from two things in her past: decisions her dad had made and decisions she had made.
“I hit the bottom and finally sought out counseling and went to the doctor for medication to help deal with anxiety and depression that had been building up for 25 years. It was terrifying. I knew I had to do it or I didn’t know what was going to happen with me or my family at that point because I was a mess.”
Leslie wasn’t sure where to turn for counseling but saw a Facebook page suggestion for an acquaintance of hers who had opened her own counseling practice.
“Her Facebook page just popped up and I was like, ‘Ok, I’ll call.’ It was terrifying. My heart was pounding. I went several days saying, ‘Ok, today I’m going to call her… no I’m not.’ I definitely have issues with control and felt if I let someone into my story, I wouldn’t get to control it any more. And if I let God into my story, I certainly wouldn’t be able to control it anymore. I put it off for several days and then I left a message when I called. I can’t even imagine how I sounded, but it was such a relief when I hung that phone up. I finally did it. I’m committed now to seeking out the help I know I desperately needed to live out the life God has for me. I couldn’t do it through the muck. When it rang and it was her calling me back. I thought, ‘I’m not going to cry, I’m not going to cry.’ But I did.”
Leslie credits much of her ability to admit she needed help to the transparency and vulnerability of pastors on staff at PV. She recalls many times when Pastor Merle would say, “Asking for help is not a weakness.” Eventually those words became truth in her spirit, giving her the strength to ask for help despite the deep fear welling inside of her.
“I’d never gone to any kind of therapy. I knew if I didn’t, I was going to drown for sure. My heart would pound all the way to therapy and all the way home. I was just so run down, but that’s good because I got so run down that I couldn’t run anymore from the things I was trying to run from and sweep it under the rug.”
Leslie’s healing was spiritual, physical, and mental and came from different forms of therapy, including a form of psychotherapy called EMDR. She also found a Christian physician who helped her find medication that helped immensely.
“God putting all of the things into place helped me feel safe. It felt like He was saying, ‘I’ve got you. I just need you to take the steps.’ Because of the gifts God gave my therapist, she was able to help my brain reprogram thoughts. But also on the spiritual side, remembering my worth and what I’ve gone through is enough. I’m really hard on myself. I had this, ‘But I deserve to suffer more, don’t I?’ mindset. One day, my therapist looked at me and said, ‘Leslie, haven’t you suffered enough?’”
After Leslie began therapy, she didn’t experience one big healing moment, but gradually she began to accept the past and allow God to be in control of that.
“It comes and goes and ebbs and flows. I was very fortunate that the medication worked and worked the first time. I distinctly remember the time I left her office, it had been about a year and I thought, ‘I’m going to make it.’ I didn’t think I could truly change. I didn’t think the way I thought could change. I thought, ‘My heart doesn’t pound every time I go.’ I had a new lease on life, because we had worked through so much. ‘I’m gonna make it.’”
Leslie wrestled with whether to share with others that she was in counseling, taking medication, and working on healing. She felt that if people really knew, they wouldn’t love her.
“I would tell myself I wasn’t worthy of being used by God.”
During Leslie’s healing process, as a congregation, Pleasant Valley spent the year working through the book of Romans.
“When we got to Romans 8:1, it was the most incredible ‘Aha!’ moment of Scripture really grabbing my heart.”
Tears trickle down Leslie’s cheeks, the coffee she’d been sipping on is long gone, but she still holds the cup in her hands. The joy and relief she’s experienced is unmistakable.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.
Romans 8:1
“It all finally clicked in my head and in my heart that this is God’s truth. Because He made me and I’m His. He wants the best for me, no matter what. In my whole life that was the most real Scripture ever felt. I’d never experienced it that way before this day and that verse. It was the first time that it was the lightning bolt into the sanctuary, ‘Leslie Shafer this is for you, I’m telling this just for you.’ That’s what started rolling in my mind instead of, ‘You’re not quite good enough.’ This is the one I will go back to. There are times when those negative thoughts start to roll again. The biggest issue was me condemning myself and keeping God at arms length because I felt like I don’t deserve all that He has for me. And then look at all the blessings in my life. My biggest issue was me keeping me from letting the Lord all the way in. Every time the opportunity comes up to share this verse with anyone, I do.”
Leslie has continued on her road of healing and transformation. She delights in getting to share her story and share that she’s in counseling when the Lord prompts her to. She sees herself and Jesus differently than she ever has before.
“Jesus is my Savior, and that’s in so many more ways than one. My Eternal Savior of my soul but also the Savior of my quality of life here on earth. If I didn’t have that assurance that He loves me, Leslie, of all people, then I don’t know where I would be. Jesus is my Savior.”